Hey, rock 'n roll… Three for All (1975)

 

Pop moved so fast in the 1970s, it was blink and you missed it for top trends and so many became so much Disc and Music Echo chip paper once the consensus had moved on. From T-rex, Slade and Sweet to tailenders like the Rollers in a little over 2-3 years, Glam Rock was a sparkling flash in the pop-pan but it is long overdue a more widespread re-evaluation as one of the great British musical movements. People like Jon Robb have argued that it was nothing less than the precursor of punk, a bridge between post-Beatles depression, blues and progressive rock to punk, some of the main players having already been in rootsy rock formations.

 

Cinematically the moment was pretty much missed, with even Slade in Flame (1975), coming just after the parade had passed and perhaps the less said about Never to Young (1975) the better although it features some good Mud action and the Glitter Band (without you-know-who). The same could also be said of Three for All which is a slightly jarring cultural relic, still full of energy and harder-edged Glam from Billy Beethoven (oh yes) led by future Rainbow front man Graham Bonnet who also wrote the songs. It’s a mix of Y viva Espana, the huge trend of Spanish holiday making, and the Billy B’s attempts to make it as a Cowboys and Indian glam rock band which would have been released just after the mascara and glitter had been replaced by tartan. Pop in general had just run out of steam by 1975, waiting for something, anything to happen… cue 1976, The Ramones, Sex Pistols and punk’s first single, New Rose by The Damned with dozens of bands punching through without the major record company marketing seen in this film.

Boys in the band: Robert, Graham, Paul and Christopher

 

Three for All has an anarchy of its own though and is produced by the team that brought us Eskimo Nell, with writer Michael Armstrong (who also cameos) and director Martin Campbell marshalling the chaos for this free-running farce which features a dozen high-profile cameos as well as a strong central cast. Campbell has had a highly successful career but it’s a long way from Torremolinos to the Planet Oa, home of the Green Lantern Corps but he’s made the journey having directed the early DC film after many hits on big and small screen, particularly with the ground-breaking Edge of Darkness, simply one of the finest television series of the Eighties and beyond.

 

Here the brief is simpler as we encounter three young women who are wandering through London traffic as the credits roll, on their way home to greet their boyfriends and to plan their holidays. There’s the vivacious Diane (Adrienne Posta), impulsive and ambitious with ideas slightly beyond her grasp, Pet (Cheryl Hall) more down to earth but still given to flights of fancy and Shelley (Lesley North), the quiet and possibly the most reliable one.

 

Their beaus form the majority of Billy Beethoven, Pet’s Tom (Robert Lindsay, who was married to Hall) is the drummer, Shelley’s Gary (Paul Nicholas) is on backing vocals and bass, whilst Diane’s Kook (Graham Bonnet, also dating his cinematic girlfriend at the time) is the vocalist. The odd man out is Ricky the guitarist (Christopher Neil) but three’s company, four’s a crowd. The band are managed by the long-sufferable "Jet" Bone (Richard Beckinsale) who has singularly failed to get the boys to the next level and they’re just about out of goodwill.

 

Hey Rock 'n Roll! Showaddywaddy

We do get to see them supporting Showaddywaddy, glam second-wavers who still look and sound a lot of fun performing The Party off their debut. The Billys(?) badly need an image as strong as the lads from Leicester and they also need a break which, as luck would have it, is just arriving as Jet has entered them into a competition run by marketer, Eddie Boyes (played with relentless energy by George Baker) who, with his assistant Harry (Simon Williams keeping some order), contact Jet to make their offer for the winners: an all expenses tour of Spain to promote it as a holiday destination – as if that was necessary in the golden era of the package tour. The only stipulations being that they dress up as glitter cowboys and Indian and leave their girls behind.

 

The girls are distraught and tearfully wave off their lads at the airport along with Ricky’s mum, played with effortless sauce and consequence by national treasure Diana Dors who fair makes Eddie’s eyes boggle as she sorts her hair, revealing just how well she fills the band’s t-shirt.

 

Back home the girls, led by Diane, decide to take matters into their own hands and book tickets to follow the lads to Spain. Kicking work into touch they set off on a coach where Diane meets an odd psychiatrist Dr Sparks (Jonathan Adams  ) who has written some very odd books and they first experience the lovably English of Ben and Rhoda (Arthur Mullard and Sheila Bernette). At the airport there’s a smashing short cameo from Hattie Jacques as a security officer along with Liz Fraser and David Kossoff as a mysterious couple… You wonder if Campbell and Armstrong just asked everyone to improvise?

 

The eternal Richard Beckinsale and George Baker

Arriving at their hotel in sunny Spain, “Torre” already lined up like a thin city of tower blocks against the Mediterranean, they catch the eye of an older gentlemen, Mr Gibbons (the genius, John Le Mesurier) viewing them with apparent suspicion. He demurs in the way that only John Le Mesurier can demure… such a class act.

 

OK, needless to say all does not go to plan – is there a plan? – as the band starts generating success on their relentless gigs across Spain and the girls just can’t keep out of mischief even when it’s not of their own making… Shelley has her purse stolen and is chased by a mob through the streets to be intercepted by a Spanish Policeman called Carlo (Ian Lavender) with Diane’s dodgy Spanglish making matters far worse until Uncle Arthur, Mr Gibbons stages the first of many interventions.

 

It's a riot of seventies silliness but the actors play their hearts out and there’s plenty of time for more high-impact cameos from Roy Kinnear as Hounslow Joe, Dandy Nichols, Anna Quayle and even Edward Woodward as an unlikely Road sweeper… maybe he was under-cover from another film?

 

Uncle Arthur... sorry, John Le Mesurier

Dusty Verdict: I can’t help myself with these films, there’s so much context and connection with the period and directors, writers and performers on professional journeys stopping off for this moment of commercial opportunity. I was thirteen when the film came out so maybe it’s on the cusp between my appreciation of glam-rock and the charts too? By this stage I was getting into Led Zeppelin and Pink Floyd, far more serious than The Slade and Sweet… maybe I was the one moving too fast?

 

It also memorialises the Spanish holiday experience for the millions of Brits who hit the sunny sands in the seventies. I didn’t make it down there until the late 80s and by then there were plenty of pubs offering traditional fare like fish and chips and bangers and mash, with plenty of Hounslow Joes watching Eastenders on satellite TV too. A hotter home from home.

 

Looking at the dodgy copy on YouTube and other streaming sources, Three for All is an enjoyable time capsule, it’s not available on official DVD – there’s a two-fer with That’s Your Funeral on Amazon for £73! – but I’m pretty sure there’s enough of us out there to support a proper digital transfer.

 

You can also buy the original soundtrack LP on Discogs for a song… Graham Bonnet’s compositions may pull in a few Rainbow fans. Probably the worst cover of any album ever but it's fun!!

 

Cooler than it sounds… Eskimo Nell (1975)

There are few things more mutually exclusive than the phrase combining the words “sex" and "comedy” especially in Britain which experienced a plague of the things post Carry on involving window cleaners, night nurses and cab drivers. In most cases they were simply excuses to show off as much female flesh as possible with a few bon mots thrown in as an alibi: as if the nudity was only in fun and the exploitation therefore didn’t count.

Eskimo Nell is – arguably – a cut above… it has a good cast, a cohesive script and never takes itself too seriously. There’s also a lot of talk but not much action in the skin department with even a famous appearance by Mary Millington being limited to a fast-forward strip – almost taking the micky out of those who really would have appreciated a much more drawn out exposure to her iconic curves.

Michael Armstrong plays the director in the film he wrote...

It’s also directed by Martin Campbell who, after a few similar films, spent the 80’s directing TV like Shoestring, Minder and the great Edge of Darkness before graduating to Hollywood epics like The Mark of Zorro, Green Lantern (which is better than people say if you’re a DC comics fan…) and James Bond – Golden Eye and Casino Royale. He does well and sequences a convoluted narrative well.

The film’s writer and star, Michael Armstrong, is also another very interesting character who is still enjoying a long career as director, cinematographer and author (his website is here): a renaissance man who obviously had enough experience of the trade by this point to take a pot-shot or three at the faulty mechanisms of film finance… creativity crushed by creditors.

Roy Kinnear and Diane Langton

The story starts with a young film graduate Dennis Morrison (Armstrong) who heads off to Wardour Street secure in the knowledge that his degree will grant him instant access to the business of film. He is quickly disabused but grabs his last chance at the seedy top floor offices of B.U.M. studios. Run by the persuasive and single-minded mogul Benny U. Murdoch (Roy Kinnear) B.U.M. specialises in films that stick to the point (or points if you want to be honest) yet he persuades young Morrison to put together a film based on the epically bad-taste poem Eskimo Nell. Murdoch is keen on casting genre specialist Gladys Armitage (Diane Langton) as Nell as, for him, she has all the right characteristics…

The seriously talented Prudence Drage impresses the boys

Dennis enlists his mate Clive (Terence Edmond) as producer and asks Harris Tweedle (Christopher Timothy) – who knows more about penguins than women – to script the film and the three set off with Murdoch to find backers.

Dennis’ girlfriend, Hermione (the legend that is Katy Manning, Jon Pertwee’s second assistant in Doctor Who) is part of a family fighting for moral standards, her brother Jeremy (the always unlikely Christopher Biggins…) and mother Lady Longhorn (Rosalind Knight). They are delighted that their young friend will be making a moral film…

Nell I - not subtle...

Yet, as the would be film-makers do the rounds they find that each backer will only stump up funds if a) the film can be made to their agenda and b) Eskimo Nell be played by the actor of their choice.

Nell II - Kung fu meets the Sound of Music...

So it is that the production ends up being committed to being a kung-fu film, Britain’s first all gay western and a hardcore sex film to star, respectively, a martial arts trained opera singer, a transvestite and a gum chewing sex starlette of no fixed American accent…

Nell III... lots of cowboys

But it gets worse as Murdoch has taken a trip with the money and has left the three friends liable with hastily-signed contracts: if the films don’t get made they’ll pay the price.

Cue a trip to a lovely-looking mid-seventies alehouse and a spark of inebriated inspiration from Hermione: why not get mummy’s crusaders to pay for another version of the film, one with a clean moral message that pays full tribute to the great work of art that inspired the film?  All they have to do is to work out how to film four films at once?

Terence Edmond, Michael Armstrong and Christopher Timothy start casting

The lads start casting their four films and there’s some funny auditions, a Viking and Miss Mary Millington dressed as a traffic warden and performing a double-quick strip – any longer and the narrative would have dropped into softcore but the film keeps it relatively clean.

Mary Millington auditions

Onto the filming and we see the prissy “clean” version with Biggins dressed like an Edwardian child followed by the kung fu, cowboys and hardcore versions… it’s a chaotic juggling act and still funny in places with all genres spoofed.

The film finished, Lady Longhorn’s connections get them a Royal gala premier in Leicester Square, wouldn’t it be funny if the versions somehow got mixed up?!

Can the pals ensure that all of their hard work is rewarded? You’ll have to watch to find out.

Dusty verdict: Eskimo Nell is better than I expected and, whilst not exactly a classic is never the less and interesting period piece that shows the difficulties of getting a film made in genre-obsessed seventies Britain when it felt like the industry had almost ground to a halt.

Nell IV... Katie Manning gives it some hat

The cast and crew do a splendid job with uniformly excellent exaggerations from the obsessives wanting to make the film. Christopher Timothy stands out as the conflicted penguin-fancier and Roy Kinnear is excellently greasy as the boob-fixated porn baron. It’s also good to see Miss Manning showing that there is more to her acting than Doctor Who sometimes allowed! She doesn’t scream or run away once...

Eskimo Nell is still available on DVD from Amazon – it looks to be mildly collectible from the prices so don’t waver if you want a light-hearted Seventies smile or three!