There are few things more mutually exclusive than the phrase combining the words “sex"
and "comedy” especially in Britain which experienced a plague of the things post
Carry on involving window cleaners, night nurses and cab drivers. In most cases
they were simply excuses to show off as much female flesh as possible with a
few bon mots thrown in as an alibi: as if the nudity was only in fun and the
exploitation therefore didn’t count.
Eskimo Nell is – arguably – a cut above… it has a good cast,
a cohesive script and never takes itself too seriously. There’s also a lot of
talk but not much action in the skin department with even a famous appearance
by Mary Millington being limited to a fast-forward strip – almost taking the
micky out of those who really would have appreciated a much more drawn out
exposure to her iconic curves.
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| Michael Armstrong plays the director in the film he wrote... |
It’s also directed by Martin Campbell who, after a few
similar films, spent the 80’s directing TV like Shoestring, Minder and
the great Edge of Darkness before
graduating to Hollywood epics like The
Mark of Zorro, Green Lantern
(which is better than people say if you’re a DC comics fan…) and James Bond – Golden Eye and Casino Royale. He does well and sequences a convoluted narrative
well.
The film’s writer and star, Michael Armstrong, is also
another very interesting character who is still enjoying a long career as
director, cinematographer and author (his website is here): a renaissance man
who obviously had enough experience of the trade by this point to take a
pot-shot or three at the faulty mechanisms of film finance… creativity crushed
by creditors.
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| Roy Kinnear and Diane Langton |
The story starts with a young film graduate Dennis Morrison
(Armstrong) who heads off to Wardour Street secure in the knowledge that his
degree will grant him instant access to the business of film. He is quickly
disabused but grabs his last chance at the seedy top floor offices of B.U.M.
studios. Run by the persuasive and single-minded mogul Benny U. Murdoch (Roy
Kinnear) B.U.M. specialises in films that stick to the point (or points if you
want to be honest) yet he persuades young Morrison to put together a film based
on the epically bad-taste poem Eskimo Nell. Murdoch is keen on casting genre
specialist Gladys Armitage (Diane Langton) as Nell as, for him, she has all the
right characteristics…
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| The seriously talented Prudence Drage impresses the boys |
Dennis enlists his mate Clive (Terence Edmond) as producer
and asks Harris Tweedle (Christopher Timothy) – who knows more about penguins
than women – to script the film and the three set off with Murdoch to find
backers.
Dennis’ girlfriend, Hermione (the legend that is Katy Manning,
Jon Pertwee’s second assistant in Doctor
Who) is part of a family fighting for moral standards, her brother Jeremy (the
always unlikely Christopher Biggins…) and mother Lady Longhorn (Rosalind
Knight). They are delighted that their young friend will be making a moral
film…
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| Nell I - not subtle... |
Yet, as the would be film-makers do the rounds they find
that each backer will only stump up funds if a) the film can be made to their
agenda and b) Eskimo Nell be played by the actor of their choice.
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| Nell II - Kung fu meets the Sound of Music... |
So it is that the production ends up being committed to
being a kung-fu film, Britain’s first all gay western and a hardcore sex film
to star, respectively, a martial arts trained opera singer, a transvestite and
a gum chewing sex starlette of no fixed American accent…
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| Nell III... lots of cowboys |
But it gets worse as Murdoch has taken a trip with the money
and has left the three friends liable with hastily-signed contracts: if the
films don’t get made they’ll pay the price.
Cue a trip to a lovely-looking mid-seventies alehouse and a
spark of inebriated inspiration from Hermione: why not get mummy’s crusaders to
pay for another version of the film, one with a clean moral message that pays
full tribute to the great work of art that inspired the film? All they have to do is to work out how to
film four films at once?
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| Terence Edmond, Michael Armstrong and Christopher Timothy start casting |
The lads start casting their four films and there’s some
funny auditions, a Viking and Miss Mary Millington dressed as a traffic warden
and performing a double-quick strip – any longer and the narrative would have
dropped into softcore but the film keeps it relatively clean.
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| Mary Millington auditions |
Onto the filming and we see the prissy “clean” version with
Biggins dressed like an Edwardian child followed by the kung fu, cowboys and
hardcore versions… it’s a chaotic juggling act and still funny in places with
all genres spoofed.
The film finished, Lady Longhorn’s connections get them a
Royal gala premier in Leicester Square, wouldn’t it be funny if the versions
somehow got mixed up?!
Can the pals ensure that all of their hard work is rewarded?
You’ll have to watch to find out.
Dusty verdict: Eskimo Nell is better than I expected
and, whilst not exactly a classic is never the less and interesting period
piece that shows the difficulties of getting a film made in genre-obsessed
seventies Britain when it felt like the industry had almost ground to a halt.
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| Nell IV... Katie Manning gives it some hat |
The cast and crew do a splendid job with uniformly excellent
exaggerations from the obsessives wanting to make the film. Christopher Timothy
stands out as the conflicted penguin-fancier and Roy Kinnear is excellently
greasy as the boob-fixated porn baron. It’s also good to see Miss Manning showing that there is more to her acting than Doctor Who sometimes allowed! She
doesn’t scream or run away once...
Eskimo Nell is
still available on DVD from Amazon – it looks to be mildly collectible from the
prices so don’t waver if you want a light-hearted Seventies smile or three!
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